


Sleepy Hollow Finale Rewrite

by transfixme_quite



Category: Sleepy Hollow (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Season Finale, Spoilers, episode rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 17:45:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transfixme_quite/pseuds/transfixme_quite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack rewrite of the season one Sleepy Hollow finale. Contains spoilers. Kind of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepy Hollow Finale Rewrite

**Author's Note:**

> Wasn't the biggest fan of how things went in the finale. I think, though, that if my version had happened, the entire series would be over. Don't take this seriously. Crack is all in good fun.

Int: WASHINGTON’S SECRET TOMB

 

ANDY: Moloch wants the thing.

 

ICHABOD: But the thing will help me get my wife back.

 

ABBIE: Don’t start with that, it’s gonna set off a chain reaction of bullshit we don’t need right now.

 

ICHABOD: Yeah you’re right. I’m gonna burn the thing.

 

\---

 

Int: CORBIN’S CABIN

 

ICHABOD: I remember the thing… I’m gonna draw the thing.

 

\---

 

Int: ARCHIVE

 

JENNY: Wait til you hear this bs.

 

ICHABOD: I remembered the thing, so we can go get wifey now.

 

ABBIE: You son of a bitch.

 

ICHABOD: You love me.

 

ABBIE: Get out.

 

\---

 

Ext: PURGATORY ENTRANCE

 

HENRY: I can’t wait to meet my mom-- I mean your wifey.

 

ICHABOD: You will love her.

 

HENRY: Sure.

 

ABBIE AND ICHABOD ENTER PURGATORY

 

KATRINA: The fuck you doing here?

 

ICHABOD: We’ve come to rescue you.

 

KATRINA: Yeah about that… one of you is gonna have to stay here for me to come out.

 

ICHABOD: …………

 

ABBIE: I’ll do it.

 

ICHABOD: The fuck you will.

 

ABBIE: I can’t keep running away from Moloch, I have to face him.

 

ICHABOD: Hmm that sounds personal. Didn’t you just tell me not to do stupid personal shit because it could affect the fate of the entire world?

 

ABBIE: Yeah but it’s ok because ….well I don’t know why it’s ok for me and not you but it is so I’m staying here.

 

KATRINA: Yessss. I mean, uh what?

 

ICHABOD: No, I don’t think so. The fate of the world is more important than your personal vendetta against Moloch. Didn’t Moloch say I was gonna bring you to him, and now you’re like “oh yeah no it’s fine.”

 

ABBIE: Katrina can help you fight the second horseman, right?

 

KATRINA: …………

 

ICHABOD: Katrina?

 

KATRINA: Yeah actually… My magic ain’t so great anymore. You know, 250 years not using it, ya get rusty.

 

ABBIE: ……………

 

ICHABOD: ………………..

 

ABBIE: You two get on out of here.

 

ICHABOD: Yeah so apparently the two people who came in need to do the chant in order for the person in here to switch places. I read that somewhere in the instructions.

 

ABBIE GRABS FOR THE PARCHMENT

 

ABBIE: Where’s it say that?

 

ICHABOD: Somewhere else, I used my eidetic memory to remember it. Come on.

 

ABBIE: Wait, you’re gonna come back for me, I know you will, but I need to hold you in my arms one more time ok?

 

ABBIE AND ICHABOD EMBRACE FOR WAY LONGER THAN THEY NEED TO, ICHABOD CRADLING ABBIE’S HEAD AND RUBBING HER BACK, WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS INTO HER EAR. KATRINA LOOKS ON, CONFUSION ON HER FACE.

 

KATRINA: Ay, excuse me, I’m right here.

 

ICHABOD: Did you hear something, Miss Mills?

 

ABBIE: Just the steady thump of your heart through your solid chest, mmmm.

 

ICHABOD: Chant time.

 

ICHABOD AND ABBIE START THE CHANT, AND THE DOOR BACK TO REALITY SMASHES OPEN. WITH HER HANDS STILL IN HIS, ICHABOD DRAGS ABBIE BACK OUT TO THE REAL WORLD WITH HIM, LEAVING KATRINA BEHIND IN PURGATORY.

 

ABBIE: What the fuck, Ichabod?

 

ICHABOD: That was a trap, dude. I mean, Lieutenant. Weren’t we told that we have to fight this shit together?

 

ABBIE: Yeah you’re right, but you got some splainin to do when you see Katrina again, Lucy.

 

ICHABOD: I do not understand that reference.

 

HENRY: Where’s mom?

 

ICHABOD: Wait, what? Are you my son?

 

HENRY: Yeah duh, where have you been? I’m pretty pissed at you guys, so I’m the Horseman of War too. JSYK.

 

ICHABOD: You realize I was dead before you were even born, right?

 

HENRY: Uh…

 

ICHABOD: And that fucking ugly doll was your mom’s doing, not mine. I even got rid of it for you. Not that it matters because it was in purgatory all this time until I made a dumb ass mistake and let it loose. My bad.

 

HENRY: Yeah… I guess so…

 

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: Where’s my boo, Jeremy? You promised she’d be here for me to ride away with.

 

HENRY: She’s still in purgatory. These two kind of fucked up our plans.

 

HEADLESS: Dammit guys, you ruin everything.

 

HEADLESS RIDES AWAY INTO THE SUNSET.

 

HENRY: So mom’s staying in purgatory.

 

ICHABOD: Yup.

 

HENRY: Does this mean the lieutenant is my new step mom?

 

ICHABOD: I did commit to forge my fate with hers, that’s pretty heavy shit.

 

HENRY: Alright, take me to get some ice cream, maybe I don’t need to break that second seal after all. You two have been good to me. I’m ready for a new family.

 

ICHABOD, ABBIE AND HENRY GET IN THEIR CAR AND DRIVE BACK INTO THE CITY FOR FAMILY FUN NIGHT

 

\---

 

Ext: DESERTED ROAD NEAR AN OLD CHURCH. A CAR IS FLIPPED OVER, A WOMAN INSIDE.

 

JENNY: Little help here…?

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to write script format, don't be upset that it's all wrong. Just enjoy the dumb. =)


End file.
